The Wild Wild Southeast

As a native Californian, I’ve become increasingly interested in wondering exactly when will people start wishing for Florida to fall off into the ocean as opposed to my beloved California. Seriously, you had the 2000 debacle, the hurricanes, the Schiavo debacle, and now this.

Once upon a time, in a trailer park long long ago, the law down in Florida was that you always had to try and run. Even in your own home there had to be no avenue of escape before you started pumpin’ some ski mask wearin’ mo fo full of lead. Evenutally, that got changed to where as long as it was in your home or office, there was no need to try and run. Go ahead and blast away.

But even still, if you were out in a public area, you still had to try to run. Well, not anymore.

As of yesterday, the Florida state legislature had passed a bill allowing citizens to legally use lethal force if threatened without having to fulfill the duty of attempting to escape. Ah, yet another anti-life bill brought to you by the party of “The Culture of Life”.

Now I know it’s difficult to legislate a bill that would adequately meet the real needs of the citizenship. And even if you sat down and wrote such a bill with all the different contingencies involved (if you are in an alley with no means of escape, blast away. If you are in said alley with a dumpster you can climb up on, then run first. If you twist your ankle in the process…), it would be almost worthless as I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t take the time to memorize it.

Mugger: Give me all your money or I’ll blast you.

Man: Hey honey, you got a copy of the Self Defense Bill on you?

Woman: Yeah it’s in here somewhere. (she checks her purse) Ah here it is.

Man: Okay, we’re in a park, but it’s dark, and visibility is low. We have one armed mugger, who’s looking a little shaky and may not really be much of a threat. On the other hand, the terrain is rough and you’re wearing high heels…

Woman: I can’t find that one…

Man: Check the index under heels.

Mugger: Screw this! (Putting the gun away, the mugger skulks away)

Woman: Oh here it is, it says we can shoot him…

(Gunshot. The mugger’s arms flail as he falls on his face, dead)

Woman: …but only in the leg.

Man: Damn.

Okay, so maybe detailed legislation isn’t that great of an idea. But still, the legislation that we’re looking at in Florida is a little too unclear.

Man 1: Hey come here!

Man 2: I feel threatened! (Shoots Man 1)

Man1: (coughing up blood as he lies on the sidewalk) I was just seein’ if you could … spare some… change for…gas. (Man1 Dies)

Some of the opponents of the measure are thinking that Florida is going to turn into the Wild West. Well, that might be taking things a little too far, but as State Rep Gelber puts it, “You are telling people when they are in the midst of an emotional moment … you can stand your ground until death happens.”

Personally, I can’t wait until the first “I felt threatened,” defense comes down. That’ll be a hoot. Then you got those who you know are going to abuse the law, my bet’s on racists, but you never really know. On top of this, how many avoidable deaths do you think this might cause? That one is definitely going to be worth keeping tabs on.

But hey, it’s coming from the party for the culture of life, right? So it must be a good thing.

My ass.


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