Target: Christmas

As I toss elbows at fellow holiday shoppers this holiday season, I can only thank my evil gods that, hopefully, this will be the last Christmas any of us experience. Yes, I am part of a secret liberal army that has finally taken the War Against Christmas up a notch, and it very well looks as though we might be winning. No bit of evidence could prove to be a bigger proof to our successes than this years Christmas Cards sent out by the man chosen to be president by God himself, George W. Bush. If God’s man has resorted to taking “Christmas” off the Christmas cards, an unambiguous death of Christmas is sure to come soon after.

Or I could try talking like a sane person. Just for a change.

I hadn’t known that we were waging a war on Christmas until I heard a local newscaster mention the political wedge that has cropped up in the country after playing some footage of House Speaker Hastert doing a little speechifying at the lighting of the White House Christmas Tree ceremony. After checking a few things online, I grabbed the Lib-Phone (which is kinda like the Bat-Phone only instead of playing the Batman theme, it plays “Down With The USA” to the tune of The Boss’s “Born in the USA”) and immediately got Goose on the horn. I wanted to know if there was really a war on Christmas. If so, why wasn’t I informed? Where were my marching orders?

But Goose calmly informed me that there was no such thing, and that the moment our leaders (Satan and Howard Dean) did declare such a war, I would be one of the first to know.

Point of fact, we liberals (at least the sane bunch of us, which I like to think comprises a solid majority) don’t hate Christmas. I don’t. I may not be much of a Church Goer, and my relationship with God and Jesus Christ is very much on again, off again, but I do not want to see the end of Christmas. There’s nothing wrong with a little gift giving now and then, and I’m a huge fan of the whole, “Peace on Earth, Goodwill to man,” idea. Besides, I think my mother would disown me if I had a hand in the obliteration of her favorite holiday.

No, I buyeth of the Christmas gifts, and at 28 I still go to bed with visions of sugar plums in my head as I cling to the faintest of hopes that Santa really is riding his sleigh in the middle of the night on Christmas eve. And yet, that doesn’t stop the wingnut punditry from saying that we liberals are eager to see an end to one of the Nation’s most beloved holidays. I think my favorite quote is from supposedly independent Fox News Pundit, Bill O’Reilly:

it’s all part of the secular progressive agenda … to get Christianity and spirituality and Judaism out of the public square… Because if you look at what happened in Western Europe and Canada, if you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs, like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage, because the objection to those things is religious-based, usually.

Ah, if it ain’t Pat Robertson spouting off at the mouth about his diet shakes or how people in Dover PA have voted out God, it’s the lufa obsessed Bill O’Reilly who comes along to spooge fucktardary all over the floor, leaving me to happily clean it up with a mop.

Firstly, Judaism. I’m pretty sure that Jews do not really celebrate Christmas. As the Jewish faith denies that Jesus Christ was ever the actual Son of God (aka Messiah), they have no real reason to celebrate his birthday. In fact, they have their own holiday that they celebrate at roughly the same time. It’s called Hanukkah and it is a celebration of a miracle of God. When persecuted Jews were left with only enough fuel to keep their lamp burning for one day, they were given a testiment to God’s presence when the lamp burned instead for eight days; hence the eight candles on the menorah, the eight days of the celebration, and the light and humorous animated film “8 Crazy Nights” by Adam Sandler.

But it’s all part of the Modus Operandi. I’m a big fan of analyzing the wingnut organized mouth piece standard operating procedures because it gives us a little insight into what the other guy is doing, thereby giving us a chance to counteract them. Here we see an almost cookie cutter example of a very common rightwing gambit. Find the hugest demographic you can engage (this time it’s Christmas loving Christian folk), make them feel victimized (War on Christmas blah blah blah), and then toss a bone to the minorities (Jews) not in an attempt to ever win their support but instead to make the base feel a little better about themselves when they whisper things like “I’m not a racist but…”

And it works, but Bill, don’t you think you should be a little bit more thorough in who you toss a bone to? If you are a regular reader here, and have been following closely with the new “Daily Buzz” feature that Goose has been working so hard to keep up, than you would have caught a very important headline in the Dec. 6th edition of the Buzz. Clicking on the link for “Fox News pumping Christmas War” brings you to an interview where the interviewee gives us a little insight into the start of the whole “War on Christmas” meme:

GABLER: Michelle Goldberg had a great article, and anybody interested in this issue — in Salon — ought to read it, in which she said that Henry Ford, back in 1921, declared that there was a war on Christmas. Of course, he blamed Jews. She cites the John Birch Society — the reactionary John Birch Society — in the 1950s saying there’s a war on Christmas in 1959 by secularists.

So after about 85 years after the Jews were the cause for the attack on Christmas, they are now lumped in with the victims? Nice one Bill.

No, while I can’t dismiss the idea that there may be a small cadre of ultra moonbatty liberals out there plotting against Christmas, I find it highly unlikely that the movement is widespread. Instead, as has been the case for most of my life, it would seem that if Christmas were on life support for any one reason, it wouldn’t be because of a handfull of plotting liberals, but instead from the commercialization of the holiday.

Seems to me that ever since I can remember, the real problem has always been making sure that people remember the true meaning of Christmas, hence the Charlie Brown Christmas special along with countless other cheezy sitcom specials where the goofy layabout teaches the overworked main character that we do need to at least take a day off in the year to remember that we all have friends and family that we should be grateful for as well as funny looking hats. Never forget the role that funny looking hats play in Christmas.

But despite all the warnings of our more beloved television shows, you still have phenomena such as “Black Friday”. I, like millions of other Americans, strapped my daughter into her car seat and headed out to the local retail stores for the biggest shopping day of the year. In Target, it would take me fifteen minutes sometimes just to traverse down a single aisle (though I found it somewhat funny that getting through the checkout line was still infinitely quicker and easier than doing so at a Wal*Mart on a slow day), while in Best Buy, I barely walked in before walking right back out after seeing that there was even a line just to get a shopping cart.

I submit that it isn’t we liberals who are killing Christmas, but instead, the major corporations. Round this time of year, you can’t open a newspaper, watch a television program, or pick your nose without companies clamoring overthemselves to show you that in order to really celebrate the birth of the messiah, you simply must have a “Furby” or a “Tickle Me Elmo” or an “X-Box 360”.

And if the responsibility must be shared, than maybe parents too have a little to answer for. I mean, if we’re talking about the true meaning of Christmas, shouldn’t this be a family affair? My thoughts are yes, but it would seem that millions of mommies and daddies out there are too concerned about whether they will be able to get the new X-Box for Timmy, to make sure he understands that the reason why he is getting said X-Box is to commemorate the death of a man who tried to spread the word of peace, and died in an attempt to save us from our transgressions.

So there, we are not waging a War on Christmas. And to be truthful, the companies may not necessarily care whether or not people care why we celebrate Christmas as long as we do enough to drop a couple hundred dollars on whatever the big gift is this year. As for me, my liberal, Christmas hating boss, just gave me a Toys R Us gift card, so I have to once again brave the throngs of mad holiday shoppers so that little Kalani might get a Barbi this year.

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