Everything You Wanted To Know About Satan, But Were Too Christian To Ask

(note, sometimes you feel froggy)

Reader Daveinboca recently made this statement in comments:

Always fun to see how Satan’s children get it wrong every time. Although with a ton of illegal aliens voting in places like Wisconsin and California, the crime-spree left may win in ’08. But it won’t be because of the Immigration Bill, it’ll be because of GWB.

Now, I was a little perturbed by this, particularly at being called one of Satan’s children. I am not one of his children, no Satan’s children are demons, and I most definitely am human. No, I’m what one might call a “minion.”

I follow the dark lord, I consult with him every night. When I tuck my children into bed, I, playing the part of the dutiful father, make sure they pray to Lucifer to burn God’s people, and they do, and oh, you should hear them in their black acoutraments, and sweet little voices, they sound just adorable.

It’s very wholesome, and that’s why I do it… Well that and if I don’t one of Satan’s real children comes and delivers twenty lashes with a daimond studded whip. But, before you get the wrong idea… These are LOVING lashes, each one delivered with the deepest care and affection.

And who are Satan’s children? Mexicans. Yeah, a whole nation of demons made up to look like human beings. In fact, anyone who knows anything that Mexican is “demon” in the demon language. For example, the phrase, “You wanna get some Mexican,” actually translates to, “I walk in the ranks of demons.”

Oh, Satan’s clever, it’s not a coincidence that you are pledging allegiance to His children every time you get a craving for a burrito.

And see, this makes much more sense when you learn that America is God’s country. Yup, right here. Actually, believe it or not, the sacred ground is located in Anaheim California, beneath a giant castle filled with screaming kids.

This is why the Dark Lord chose Mexico, easy access to God’s Land.

But, you may be wondering, Mexico’s got millions of people, are they all demons? If so, how?

You bet your bible lovin’ buttocks they’re all demons, Satan’s known for his virility, and is a very courteous lover by all accounts. See this is how it works. He usually picks up a pretty hot number at a bar, my man S-dog has game, and takes her back to his place in TJ.

Then it’s on. Candles, Barry White… It’s always Barry White, I tried to open him up to some new stuff, but he insists that nothing works like the late Barry White (whom we managed to get in a really good soul exchange for President Kennedy. Jack got put to hell on a technicality, and Heaven’s been trying to get him for YEARS). So you got the candles, Barry in the background, silk sheets, Satan usually has pretty rough skin, but he’s on a pretty strict moisturizing regime.

And then he copulates with her in an act that absolutely shatters her soul; it’s a very beautiful thing. About twelve months later (demons take a little longer to “cook”), out pop about a couple million demons all named Jose and Juanita, and voila, the population of Mexico.

It’s all part of the master plan, for these millions and millions of demons to stealthily creep into God’s Land, take shit jobs, and slowly corrupt America from within. With the exception of some noise once in a while, it works pretty well, and let me tell ya, the corrupting has been RAMPANT lately.

This is largely due to God’s People in America, and God’s People in the muslim world. See, you all are God’s people, but in a particularly sly move on the Big S’s part, he just made it impossible for you all to notice.

So with the help of us minions, the demon’s have been laying the groundwork for the apocolypse.

Which brings up the question of the Anti-Christ. Everyone wants to know who the Anti-Christ is. Well, it’s not just one person. It changes from generation to generation. There is always an anti-christ around somewhere, and if that particular anti-christ can’t manage to bring about the end of days before his time is up, Satan just picks a new one. With the passing of the last anti-christ not too long ago, I believe Satan’s looking at Paris Hilton to take up the mantle.

Some other things you may want to know. Evolution. Yeah, evolution’s real, and in fact, was in the bible, but being the joker he is, Satan took the original bible and replaced it with a fake that made it impossible to believe in evolution based off of a literal interpretation.

And hooey should you read the original. Imagine the world’s shock when they learn what color Jesus was… and his… or…her gender (and the people of the world are most definitely NOT ready to learn about his true sexual orientation). Also, turns out there was no apple, it was a cumquat, and it wasn’t full of knowledge, just really juicy gossip.

So, yeah, we got the original, real bible, and every time Satan sees Pat Robertson say something stupid on Cspan, he pulls it out and laughs.

Finally, climate change/global warming. I’m sorry to say, but that’s our fault. Hell’s a hot place, what, you think we do that with hellfire? Fuck no. We let about ten million SUV’s idle twenty four seven around here. Oh, speaking of which, you might not want to bother with ANWAR anymore, where do you think we get the gas from to keep the greenhouse gases going?

Well, that’s about it for now. If you have any questions about Satan, feel free to ask. We are looking for new members, so if your bright, cheery, and not opposed to sacrificing your first born child to the Dark Lord Satan, drop me an email, and we’ll welcom you aboard!

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