Report From Hell: Wii Madness

Heyo! I wanted to take this opportunity while I had the chance to give you guys a general report from Hell; Satan has just gone off to the local 7-Eleven to get a “Squishee” (You should hear him go on and on about the all the Simpsons items being sold at 7-Eleven right now. You’d think he’d never heard of a mass marketing campaign which is only made more ridiculous considering he’s come up with some of the most grevious ones in history: Chia-Pet, the Segway, Nordictrak, and iAnything. Satan’s been subcontracting for Steve Jobs for a while now), and while the Master’s out, figured I’d sneak off a little info for you guys.

You should know that he doesn’t know I write for a blog, and I’m more than a little worried about what he might do to me should he find out, especially if he knew I was posting some of Hell’s most nefarious secrets on the web free of charge. I mean, if he knew I wasn’t even charging money for this stuff, he’d probably skin me for a good two weeks (which actually isn’t so bad. I mean, the first few times are excruciatingly painful but after you get used to being skinned and having your pelt reattached with a blow torch and a set of hockey sticks, it kinda tickles).

Still, I don’t want him to find out so if you do happen to run into Lucifer, could you do me a favor and not mention this? He’s hard to miss, about ten feet tall, giant horns, cloven feet, and an obsession for “bling”. I swear the Lord of the Pit wears so much bling he’s got a permanent crater in his nightstand.

That out of the way, what’s happened this week? Well, first things first, Satan bought a Wii, and let me tell you, I had no idea how wicked awesome that was. Now I’m not sure if the American version comes with the “Fatal Negative Feedback” feature (FNF for short), but I really think that that is what adds to the enjoyability of the game and not the wireless remotes. Now… I would never intentionally win a game of anything against Satan, I’m not stupid, but once, “accidentally” I just managed to eke out a win in a game of Mario Party, and there is simply nothing funnier than watching a superior evil deity hop and twitch as ten thousand volts of raw, heart-stopping electricity are pumped through his body.

That was worth the twenty straight hours of Full House I was forced to watch, every G– Damn minute of it.

But the Wii can only keep you entertained for so long, so of course, Satan HAD to watch the news. Now, watching the news with Satan is never fun, he usually breaks things when he watches stories that he doesn’t like, and with the way things have gone lately, he’s been breaking a lot of things, usually my bones. Trust me, breaking bones in Hell is MUCH more pleasant than the process you have to go through to get them “repaired”.

I think it’s Bush’s fault. After so many years of Bush being “Da man,” Satan’s been getting pretty disappointed with how his “Shining hope” has been falling down on the job. That was exactly the case with this whole Gonzo-gate, ordeal.

“Son of an ANGEL!” Satan roared when the news first broke that Gonzo may have committed perjury. And his mood didn’t get much better when he found out that Bush was STILL standing behind the Attorney General. Not that Satan particularly hated Gonzo, but the man had his role to play and that has long since over and done with.

“If I’ve told him once, I told him a thousand times, he should have forced that little cloister-sucker to resign a year ago!” Satan rumbled as he hefted his bling around his tree-trunk neck and marched out of Hell, apparently to go have a little one on one with Bush.

When he came back, it was plain and clear, he got nowhere. “I don’t even think he’s listening,” Lucifer moaned in dismay. “It’s like trying to talk to a Tickle-Me-Elmo. No matter how hard I try to start a conversation it’s always, ‘Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! Elmo likes being tickled’.”

He really doesn’t get some of the toys that are out nowadays.

But after a sponge bath and some very vigorous lufa-ing, Satan’s nerves had calmed down… just in time to learn that Senator Chuck Schumer had declared that he would attempt to stonewall any judge Bush attempted to put on the Supreme Court. “WHAT?!” he roared. He looked like he wanted to suck Chuck Schumer straight down into the Teletubbies room… a room, might I add, so heinous, so vicious, so simplistically evil that merely hearing the name sends shivers through my already torture riddled body.

“We were doing so well, too” he complained. “I just finished this shortlist for the next open seat on the bench. He’s a real winner, to, you should have met him, actually privately believed abortion clinics should be bombed!”

“Satan,” I said soothingly. “Relax. All we have to do is bribe Death a little and he’ll see to it that no one on the bench kicks it until the Republicans are back in the majority.”

This seemed to calm him down a little, though not much. Frankly, Death is an asshole, and no one down here likes dealing with him much. He’s the kinda guy who chain smokes, but never seems to have any cigarettes at about the same time you’re down to your last. That and he keeps charging higher and higher prices to keep people alive. Do you have any idea how much money it’s costing to keep Bob Novak up and ticking? It’s ridiculous, and the only reason Satan does it is he’s worried the old bastard might come down here and start telling jokes.

Trying to put a smile on Satan’s face, I mentioned, “Well, people are talking about Hillary’s breasts right now.”

“Why anyone would stare at her chest astounds me,” Satan said, shaking his head. “Now Thompson’s wife, that’s a LOOKER! Whooee, you know that man’s popping viagra and wearing prosthetics. Hey, what do ya think about rigging the next election in his favor? Just so we have one nice First Lady to look at?”

“No good, Master,” I said, cringing a little at the thought of delivering bad news. “She’s one of the reasons his campaign’s having so many problems.”

“Ah well. At least if everyone’s staring at Hillary’s breasts, they won’t be paying much attention to the issues, right? How good of a president do you think America’s going to get if they’re all worrying about her neckline?”

I had to cede the dark lord a point. Of course I cede to him every point, and freely let him claim all my own good ideas as his own. I remember Jeff. Damn soul or not, NO ONE should have to go through that again.

“Tell me some good news,” Satan said, obviously beaten, worn, and tired from a day frought with bad news about the administration he had such high hopes for crumbling away.

There are still people who are carrying water for the Iraq war. That’s good, right?” I was getting desperate. When Satan issues you an order to cheer him up, you better do it, or it’s the Teletubby room.

I was relieved to hear him chuckle. “Dumbshits,” he guffawed. “When will they learn? Hopefully never, right?”

He laughed. I laughed too, not because I thought he said anything funny, but Lucifer’s got a funny laugh, like a school girl who just sucked in helium.

But the laughter soon died down, and the words I heard come out of Satan’s fanged mouth sent a chill down my spine. “That’s not going to do it this time. I’m still feeling down.”

Thinking quickly I said, “We got a Wii! Wanna play?”

“Alright, but if you win again, I’ll make you cover the next Republican debate… in person.”

I opted to lose. I’d rather suffer ten thousand volts than have to listen to another pissing contest over who’s more conservative ever again.

You know, sometimes Satan does know what he’s doing.

(thanks to memeorandum for the links)

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