A New Candidate for Atty Gen

Jillian at Sadly, No! thinks she might make a perfect Bush AG. But without realizing it – I think – while making a case for herself, she actually makes a better case for a different nominee.

bonsai_ming_ficus-l.jpg

Why on earth would I want to be AG in the most legality-challenged administration in my lifetime? Here’s the deal: we all know that whomever Bush selects for the position, they’ll have no real power whatsoever. They will be selected not for their ability, but for their reliability – Bush only selects people whom he knows will do whatever he tells them to. Bush might as well find a really nice ficus, put a tie on it, and present it to the nation as our new AG: “Ladies and gentlemen, the next Attorney General of the United States, Ficus benjamina“. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter at all who gets the job. The Bush administration will continue to ride roughshod over any and every law that gets in their way, and whoever the AG is, he or she will continue to smile like a dumbass and say things like “there is no right to habeas corpus granted in the Constitution”.

While the following argument is intended to boost her fitness for the job, in fact it works equally well for the ficus. Maybe better.

I won’t be doing nearly as much lying as the last couple of AGs have done. Unlike them, I am not actually a lawyer. Therefore, when I have to sit before Congress and tell them repeatedly “I don’t know”, it won’t even be a lie most of the time – I don’t know much about the technical details of the United States Code. At least in the Bush administration, there’s no reason for me to think of that as a handicap in the fulfillment of my duties.

The ficus wouldn’t talk at all. Perfect. I think she’s stumbled onto something here.

9 Responses to “A New Candidate for Atty Gen”

  1. So that’s what a ficus looks like… Always wanted to know. I don’t do plants.

  2. mick says:

    That’s a bonsai variation which I thought was for some reason appropriate. Actually, there are a lot of variations and they’re all pretty different looking. The leaves can be as narrow as pine needles or as wide as oak leaves. The plants can be a foot tall or 12 feet tall. The one thing they have in common – and the reason you find so many of them in office buildings – is that they’re like gerbils: they need almost no care and pay no attention when you call their names.

    A shrub toadying for a Bush was too good a metaphor to pass up.

  3. matttbastard says:

    I’m sure the law school @ Regent U. has an abundance of shrubs on campus…

    just sayin’.

  4. I ever mention I live across the street from there? Actually drank with a couple lawyers from that school… Not the brightest bulbs in the box.

  5. mick says:

    THAT’S IT! Bush will nominate a ficus currently residing at the Regent U Law School! That way he’ll get mute loyalty and blind (literally) obedience! BRILLIANT!

    Who needs intelligence anyway? It’s over-rated.

  6. mmmmm… Again, I know Regent students, loyalty’s not that high actually, and it seems as though throwing colleagues under the bus is a campus passtime…

    Actually, that could be a big selling point for our flora candidate.

  7. matttbastard says:

    Mick: I’m pretty sure Jay Sekulow already has the inside track. (h/t Right Wing Watch, which also notes that the ACLJ has gone international!

    Actually drank with a couple lawyers from that school… .

    Alcohol?! Shh – Don’t tell the faculty that some of the students are wine-imbibers (unless you’re talking about *ahem* grape juice. Ah – sweet, sweet fruit of the vine.)

  8. matttbastard says:

    Actually drank with a couple lawyers from that school… .

    Kyle, I do hope you’re not suggesting that (some) Regent students are wine imbibers. I’m sure they were drinking *ahem* grape juice. (Ah – sweet, sweet fruit of the vine.)

  9. Nope Beer.

    Here’s an idea of how it works. They’re allowed to drink, but if someone happens to mention that so and so gets actually drunk, so and so gets blacklisted.

    One girl who grauated by now, she had actually divorced, but she had only told two of her closest friends because that kinda thing is frowned upon at Regent U (divorcing that is).

    Yup, that’s the school for me… assuming I get off my ass and go eventually.

    But seriously, I’m sure Regent produces MANY awesome legal eagles… look at Monica Goodling…

    Oh… er… well, you know.

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