Shocking Development!

Believe me, no one could have been more shocked then me.  I normally don’t answer the phone unless the caller ID is both someone I recognize, and would definitely want to talk to.  This tends to exclude just about everyone in the world including my closest family members.  But this morning when the phone rang and I saw, “Unknown” in large friendly letters on the display window, I don’t know, curiosity got the better of me and I answered.

I am so glad I did because now I get to deliver to you, the readers of Comments From Left Field, the scoop of the election season!

“Good morning, may I please speak with Kyle, or any other editor for the online publication, Comments From Left Field?” a female’s voice asked sweetly.

“Um… who’s this?” I answered (no, I’m not kidding, my phone etiquette and people skills are very, very poor).

“This is Cindy McCain, and I was hoping I could talk to you for a little bit.”

“D…  Uh… Wow… okay, yeah, what’s this about?”

“Well, I was thinking I could grant you an interview so I could ruin my husband’s chances at winning the election this year by giving an obscure liberal blogger a bunch of potentially career ending quotes!”

“Can you let me get a pen, paper, tape recorder, and maybe grab a few friends?”

“Sure!”

What follows is an exact transcript of my talk with Cindy McCain, presidential candidate John McCain’s wife:

CM: Are you ready?

KM: Yeah, so do you want me to ask the questions?

CM: You could, or I could just say damaging stuff about my hubby!

KM: Well, let’s start there, why do you want your husband to lose?

CM: Great question!  I’m worried about him.

KM: Oh really?

CM: Yes.  You see, John’s old…

KM: That’s not news.

CM: No, but what no one understands is that in order to keep living, he has pledged his soul to the dark goddess a-Thull.

KM: Is that one or two L’s?

CM: Two.  And there’s a hyphen between the A and the T.

KM: Thanks.  Continue.

CM: John pledged his soul to a-Thull, but in order for him to enjoy eternal life, he has to sacrifice newborns while wearing nothing but a lot of vaseline and the cleanly shorn pelt of an albino hare.

KM: And what does this have to do with anything?

CM: As I’m sure you could understand, he just hasn’t had the chance to do any sacrifices lately.  With the press hounding him non stop, he can’t afford to risk the election by letting it slip out that he murders babies.

KM: Interesting.  So how long’s it been since the last sacrifice?

CM: Two years.

KM: And how frequently is he supposed to conduct one of these sacrifices?

CM: Once every two months.

KM: Oh… so he’s in some real trouble isn’t he?

CM: He could keel over any second.

KM: Alright, moving on.  Your husband has referred to you by a term that I myself am too decent a human being to ever actually use.  Was this an isolated incident, or does he use that term more often?

CM: See, now that was greatly taken out of context.

KM: How so?

CM: That was a term of endearment!  I think it’s cute when Johnny calls me a trollopy c*nt!  He gets really colorful when he’s feeling affectionate towards me.  You should hear what he calls me when we have sex.

KM: Please no.

CM: Once he called me a fishnet stocking wearing…

KM: AHEM!  Speaking of dangerous liasons, you started out as the other woman.  Whatever happened to Carol McCain?

CM: Funny you should mention that.  The affair between me and Johnny essentially ripped her soul from her body and tore it to shreds.  She now lives a very beaten down existence right here in Virginia Beach.  I was planning on visiting her sometime soon.

KM: Why?

CM: You’ve heard of rubbing salt in the wound, right?

KM: Yeah.

CM: Something like that.

KM: Okay.  Last question Mrs. McCain.  Your husband and his running mate have been stirring up quite the hornet’s nest of hate out on the stump lately.  Is this how your husband really feels, or is this just a tactic that he feels he must employ in order to win election?

CM: I’m glad you brought that up because I’ve been wanting to set the record straight on that for some time.  I’m proud of Johnny because, really, he hates black people.  Always has, and always will…

KM: This is setting the record straight?

CM: Yes because I think it speaks volumes about the man’s character that he’s willing to work with people like Senator Barack Obama whom he feels are impure and subhuman.  It’s a testament to how great of an American he is to treat as equals people that are clearly not as good as he is.

KM: Well, I think I have enough, can I call you for a follow up in a week or so just in case.

CM: Sure thing!

So, some pretty extraordinary information here.  John McCain hates black people, is degrading to his wife, and sacrifices babies.  I think that pretty much wraps up this election, don’t you?

And, in case you haven’t figured it out now, I’m just taking the piss out of some bloggers who think that if they just make shit up and pass it off as real news, everyone will buy it.

2 Responses to “Shocking Development!”

  1. icruise says:

    The original blog post you’re satirizing is laughably bad — full of English grammar mistakes and misspellings. I think it just goes to show how desperate some people are to believe ANYTHING bad they hear about Obama. But even if it was well written, are we really supposed to believe that Michelle Obama would torpedo her husband’s campaign in the eleventh hour by spouting off to some blog that nobody has heard of? Give me a break.

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