Leaked Republican Policy Memo

In a WaPo piece, Karen Tamulty and Paul Kane write how the Republican party is split on whether they should put forward a set of policy ideas to show how they will govern.  After extensive research we at CFLF have actually found a leaked copy a GOP memo containing what their 2010 policy highlights will be, and in many cases, who will be spearheading them.  Here are some excerpts.

On business regulations

For too long have small and large businesses been subjugated by a tyranny of regulations.  Therefore we that know both freedom and the constitution mandate congress to not only freeze any new regulations for the next year, but in fact remove all regulations all together.  Also in this spirit, we believe that corporations should not be limited in how much they pay their employees and that no one should be paid minimum wage.  Therefore we will be removing the national minimum wage.

On taxes

The GOP stands firmly against discrimination of any kind, be it based on someone’s race, religion, or financial means.  No group should suffer at the hands of the government because of who they are.  With this spirit against bigotry and discrimination we plan on extending and expanding the Bush tax cuts for those making $200 000 or more.  Why should someone have to pay more taxes simply because they make more money?  That is the definition of discrimination.  We also plan on removing the death tax.  The democrats believe in forcing the dead to pay taxes, but the last time we checked, the dead are not allowed to vote.  Opposition to taxation without representation is a core principal of this nation, and until the democrats allow voting by our dear departed family members, we will stand against this ugly tax.  Continuing to tax the dead could only lead to one thing: a zombie tax revolt.  A zombie apocalypse is what we will get if the we allow the democrats to maintain this unjust tax policy, and the GOP does not want to see any American citizen have their brains eaten by zombies.

On BP

We support Joe Barton’s honorable apology to BP over the government shakedown of this good corporation.  At no other point in American history has a company been forced to clean up public land, or provide welfare to the unemployed.  This slush fund is a travesty, and we believe that it is both fair and necessary for the federal government to return the money to BP plus interest.  We will also send fruit baskets to Tony Hayword and Doug Suttles as a sign that we understand the persecution the have felt and our hopes that they will still continue to do business in the United States.  To help repair the damage that has already been done, Joe Barton will be appointed to head a truth and reconciliation committee to look into the corporate rights violations against BP by the federal government during this dark time in American history

On Abortion

The GOP has always claimed that abortion is at it’s core an abuse of women.  To this end, we believe that no one understands such abuse more than someone who has been convicted of domestic abuse.  Therefore the house leadership will form a non partisan blue ribbon commission of experts on domestic abuse with real world experience to look into abortion.  The chair of this committee will be David Vitter’s former aide Brent Furer who will bring his understanding of both Washington and domestic abuse to this important issue of human rights.

On Afganistan

The warmongering Obama administration has led the nation to a war that it could not afford under false pretenses of already being engaged in a war there.  The fact is, that the Obama administration planned PRIOR to the election to send tens of thousands of troops into Afghanistan.  As chairman Steele has suggested, peace loving American’s everywhere must stand up to Obama and his democratic allies and vote for the party of peace, the GOP

On Ants

While leader Boehner has come under flack for comparing the financial collapse to ants, we stand by this statement and firmly believe that ants have been given far to much slack in these tough economic times.  No more bailouts for ants. Period.  Ants can carry their own weight, in fact they can carry many times their own weight.  They do not need the US government to give them billions of dollars to build an anthill.  Also on this note, we plan on setting aside several billion dollars for contractors to construct new anthills for the 21st century.

On Health Care

Our first goal will be mount an effort to repeal and replace Obamacare.  Our replacement plan is a strategy that will both fund health care and reinvigorate our agricultural sector.  We plan on adopting Sue Lowden’s barter system of health care allowing for the exchange of agricultural products for medical service.  Being that many in the country do not have a ready supply of such goods, the government will offer health care rebates in the form of  chicken’s, government cheese, and corn surpluses to help those who are finding it difficult to pay for healthcare

On Sharron Angle

The GOP is and always has been the party of human decency.  If the GOP gains the majority in 2010, we plan to quickly pass legislation to provide round the clock mental health treatments for Sharron Angle.  We believe that it is the role of the government to help those who are not mentally fit to take care of themselves, We would also like to thank the family, friends, and republican primary voters of Nevada who have worked hard to help this poor delusional woman live her dream of running for Senate

As you can see, these are some pretty hard hitting policy positions, and once released, I doubt any republican will worry about running on them.  I am unsure as to how the democrats will respond to these positions as they are fairly fortified intellectually.  I guess we will have to wait, see, and hope.

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